To learn to love yourself is a complex mission. Mainly because there’s no surefire way to measure the love we have for ourselves. After all, it’s an incredibly personal mission that’s different for everyone.

But it’s the personal benefits of increasing self-love that make it radically life-changing. It takes practice, but all the best things in life do.

When you learn to love yourself more, you feel more peace, warmth and kindness. It can help you combat anxiety and self-doubt. In turn, positively impacting aspects of your life such as your career, hobbies and friendships.

You become a magnet to what matches your energy, and is good and meant for you in life.

Thus, learning to love yourself more is not only essential if you want to pull yourself out of a dark place mentally or emotionally. It’s also a powerful tool to use to excel in life.

First, what does ‘love’ mean?

Love is a unique emotion we still can’t describe accurately despite thousands of years of heart-tingling literature. From Shakespeare in the 1500’s, to passionate poet Emily Dickinson of the 1800’s, and now, well, those Twilight films. 

• Love is multidimensional. It’s the intimate feelings of comfort, happiness, contentment and exhilaration. 
• Love is felt from the heart in energetic waves.
• Arguably the most powerful and transformative emotion. Love hurts, heals and forgives.
• It’s easier to describe love in the context of loving others than it is to love ourselves. 

What is the meaning of self-love?

Self-love is love towards yourself (to state the obvious). This entails:

• A priority for one’s own happiness
• Appreciation for one’s talents and characteristics
• Accepting yourself for all you are – positives and negatives
• A willingness to grow and become a better person
• To look after yourself (self-care)

Self-love is like a hidden treasure that many people haven’t fully uncovered yet. It’s a journey of self-discovery where we dive into the depths of our inner selves. But once we start embracing self-love, it can truly work wonders and have a powerful impact on our lives. It’s like unlocking a superpower that boosts our overall well-being and happiness.

Have you been feeling low on self-love lately? Do you find yourself asking, ‘why don’t I like myself?’, let alone ‘why don’t I love myself’? Allow me to walk you through the topic.

What are the signs you have low self-love, and should learn to love yourself more?

A lack of confidence

A lack of self confidence is a strong indicator of low self-love. You walk around with your head down. You may also tend to people-please because it’s easier to agree than state your point because you often feel your opinion isn’t worth sharing or you want to avoid conflict.

When you have a healthy level of self-confidence, you naturally state your point without the need to filter through doubt. For instance, asking yourself questions such as, ‘does this make sense?’, ‘Is this a good point to make?’, and so forth. Thus, your words flow and you know they are worth sharing.

Self-confidence and self-esteem often overlap. But there are key differences. Whereas self-confidence is the measure of one’s skills and the ability to share them with the world, self-esteem is how you value and see yourself i.e your self-worth. 

Low self-esteem

Low self-esteem can be a real struggle, leading you to constantly feel inferior to others and questioning your every move. It’s like having a nagging voice in your head that tells you that you’re always doing something wrong or that you can’t succeed. I completely understand because I’ve been there too.

This lack of confidence can hinder you from pursuing your dreams and acknowledging your own worth.

You feel shameful about who you are

It’s easier to identify things you dislike than like about yourself. If someone were to ask you, ‘what do you like most about yourself?’, you’d struggle to answer.

Perhaps you feel guilty about things you’ve done in the past or feel you messed up. Thus, you see yourself as flawed and have a hard time remembering mistakes are a normal part of life and nobody is perfect.

You seek external validation

It’s second nature to go to others for validation and form decisions based on their opinions when low on self-love. For example, which pair of shoes to buy or even what career path you should take.

Often, people subconsciously seek validation. Why? The influence of social media, and societal and parental pressures. It’s all too common and understandable. Yet, it isn’t a beneficial option when their opinion overshadows your views and authenticity.

However, there’s no harm in asking people for advice. Considerate cooperation is the goal.

You don’t appreciate the way you look

There’s a difference between a desire to improve your looks and disliking them. From wobbly bits to facial features. So, it’s a sign of low self-love when you beat yourself up about the way you look. Particularly if you don’t like much at all about your God-given appearance.

Often, people dislike their looks because they compare themselves to others and formulate perceptions of an ideal weight, height etc. However, there are some things we can and cannot change about the way we look. 

Things we can change:

• Hair / hair colour
• Style
• Weight / body shape
• Nails

Things we can’t change (unless you opt for cosmetic surgery):

• Facial features
• Bone structure

What self-love isn’t

Self-love is often mistaken as a form of selfishness and vanity. However, there are clear distinctions between self-love and ego-driven living. 

Practising self-love doesn’t mean you go about life without regard for others or see yourself as superior to others in any way.

Instead, practising self-love shows you prioritise your wellbeing, which we should all do and deserve because there’s nothing more important than our health. Not just physical, but also mental and emotional. 

If you tend to overthink and over-analyse your actions, self-love can help greatly towards quieting your inner critic that whispers words of doubt and shame. 

Building self-love is especially important for those who suffer from stress and anxiety. 

Likewise those who are HSP (Highly Sensitive Person), introverted, or highly empathic, and also neurodivergent. Because, they often become overwhelmed by thoughts and feelings. Thus, negative self-talk is often set to overdrive. This can be unpleasant experience when all they want is more peace of mind and the confidence to be themselves.

5 powerful ways that will help you learn to love yourself more

1. Forgive yourself 

Do you have regrets? I won’t ask you to recap in detail (because–you know–that might hurt a little). I’m talking about angry outbursts. Relationships or employment that didn’t work out. Once close friends you no longer speak to. All that negative stuff that clouds your mind.

It’s good to remember things happen the way they have to for you to be who you are meant to be today. In life, lessons are often disguised as mishaps and mistakes.

Unless you go around intentionally being malicious (I’m sure you don’t), then you really shouldn’t put yourself down on a regular basis. No one deserves to wallow in mistakes of the past.

Blaming yourself for something that happened taints the way you view yourself.

Your power to change your perception of the past lies in the present moment with forgiveness.

Here’s the gist on how to forgive yourself:

• First, identify the cause of shame or guilt.
• Second, sit with that feeling and think it through (meditation is great for this step).
• Third, breathe love and light into where the feeling shows up in your body (often the heart, chest, stomach or back from my personal experience).
• Fourth, be patient and kind to yourself to slowly remove any negativity associated with the memory. Talk, cry or scream it out if you have to.
• How to test if the forgiveness is working? You no longer respond negatively when something reminds you of this shameful memory. You don’t find yourself recapping the situation and reliving its pain. You flow in acceptance and understanding.

Confront your inner critic

We all have an inner critic. It’s the little voice inside your head that murmers self-deprecating words.

The mind has many functions, and inner criticism is one of the most unproductive. ChoosingTherapy describes it as:

“The inner critic tells you all the reasons you are not good enough. It is formed from painful early life experiences when we might have witnessed or experienced hurtful attitudes toward ourselves or those close to us. We unconsciously adopt and integrate this pattern of thought toward ourselves and others as we age.”

Not only is it unproductive, but the inner critic can slow your self-growth and prevent you from embodying your best self.

I don’t know about you, but I want to meet that version of myself! And I don’t want to be the person who prevents that from happening. 

It’s wild to think we are our own worst critics. We can prevent our own success. So it’s better to try your best to love yourself to support your personal growth.

How can you quiet your inner critic? I find meditation to be the best way to really get to know my negative thought patterns. Meditation gives me time to recognise thoughts and their associated feelings, and address them in a calm and healing manner.

You have to slow down enough to recognise subconscious beliefs you hold about yourself. So, unless you have the money for therapy (which I highly recommend if you do), meditation is the way to go. 

I’ll give you an example of how meditation and digging into my inner world helped reshape my outer world:

When I was a child, I was repeatedly told I was shy and I believed it.

What confused me was that I always spoke so vividly inside my mind. I stayed quiet when I wanted to speak. I never put my hand up in class. I was the best listener you’d ever meet.

It wasn’t anyone’s fault for calling me shy. After all, it’s what they saw.

Fast forward to my twenties and I started to analyse whether I was actually shy by meditating on my thoughts and feelings. I wanted to get to know myself on a deeper level.

Perhaps I was an introvert who needed alone time to process my thoughts and emotions, rather than someone who was shy? Turns out it was the former.

So, I now recognise I enjoy the company of those who make me feel comfortable. I can even jump on a Zoom call and actually utter words (shocking!). I can also express my opinion and have fun whilst doing so.

Moral of the story? Your perception of yourself can change. You can adapt parts of yourself you thought were ingrained into your personality. You really can. Especially if the perceptions you have about yourself are holding you back.

Here are a few of my quotes to inspire you to learn to love yourself more:

Focus on your strengths

What are your passions? Talents? Focus there. Give attention to what allows you to express your creative side and brings you a sense of satisfaction. You will build courage this way, and it’s a fantastic emotional outlet.

When you focus on your strengths, it’s easier to quiet the negative beliefs you have about yourself.

Perhaps your strengths can help you progress in your career? Or start a new job if your current one is making you miserable (I’ve been there!). Or a new side hustle or hobby. 

Practicing authenticity is a catalyst to learn to love yourself more

We’re not here to fit a mould, such as the expectations of society.

When you instead express yourself authentically, you find your power. There’s less pressure to be this and that, and more acceptance for who you are and what you value.

In addition, a greater focus on embodying a new version of yourself to excel in life.

How to practise authenticity to learn to love yourself more?

• Have your own style: don’t limit yourself to a particular style i.e preppy, smart, indie etc. Why not mix it up? Personally, my style is vintage/indie/preppy. And don’t feel self-concious about showing your style if it’s not the ‘norm’.
• Don’t hold back so much: say what you want to say, knowing you have good intentions. This can take assertiveness and self-confidence practice, but it’s more than worth it.
• Stand up for your values: if you don’t know them, start forming them. They can be anything from your personal boundaries to environmental values. They will help you navigate life with more purpose and confidence. Your self-respect will likewise grow.

Practice self-care

I’ve left one of the most powerful ways to learn to love yourself to last because it’s so obvious it’s often missed.

Right now, I’m reading a book called “12 Rules for Life – An Antidote to Chaos” by a remarkable man called Robert B.Peterson. In the second chapter, he states:

“People are better at filing and properly administering prescription medication to their pets than to themselves”

And I have to agree. It’s often easier to care for others (including pets) than it is ourselves. But this leads to stress and overwhelm as we neglect our deepest needs.

We all have a deep-seated need for care and love, even if we don’t want to admit it.

But, what is self-care?

Self-care is the practice of protecting and improving your own wellbeing and health. Not only physically and mentally, but also emotionally and spiritually. No wonder the wellness industry is prevalent!

What does self-care look like?

• A regular sleeping routine
• Eating healthy
• Having a regular hobby
• Meditation and mindfulness
• An exercise routine
• Scheduling daily rest
• Spending time in nature

Ultimately, to learn to love yourself more is to believe you are capable of being and doing better.

It’s caring for yourself, not just when it’s practical, but actively practising self-care daily to bring out your best, and admiring your progress and strength along the way. It’s essentially prioritising your health and happiness on a deep and meaningful level. 

Please let me know which method you like the most in the comments below.

Share this on socials to spread the good word. Follow me for lots of tips on anxiety and personal and spiritual growth. Have a lovely day!

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